Where's the stop button ?

[at some bench in the fields around my hometown/jan 06]

Sometimes things happen really fast. Like in an eyeblink they pass your way and you're not even able to recognise what it was. But if you're lucky, you get the tail of the whole thing and can eventually interpret what it means.

Today I realised that I'm here for almost half a year. Wow! After being through all this ups and downs (and still being caught in) I still haven't found my way but all in all the whole environment helps me to finally do. Time flies.

I feel like getting a stomach flu, but I hope it's just rebellion against my total gluttony of today. :s

Other interesting things I found out today :

• I never knew you could spend soo much money for a simple bag of cereals !
• There's a pill for every disease but people don't realise that the cure lies in themselves
• I'm a good photographer but I tend to have the wrong cameras *lol*
• Everyone has the SLIGHT tend to go nuts . First the kids in the after school caring centre, where I work and even mum adjusts her voice and talks like a dork.

AND : I'm addicted to "the L-Word". The more I watch it the more I feel sorry for myself not to have a significant other myself. Because of that I even had a really weird dream last nite. But that's another story.

laters

murmel

People are the true gifts

[Ireland 2003 .:. view out of my window]

I felt like this wouldn't fit into the past entry, so I'll put this in here.

I drove to my sis today to fetch some books for work. I told her that I'm kinda unlucky with my cds and mentioned that I wanted to buy the two old Oasis Albums.
She went into the backroom where her cd shelf is and said :

"Well, I have the two. You can have them. I don't listen to it anymore."

Wow.

Now I'm a proud owner of "Definately maybe" and "What's the story (morning glory)?".
I've never really been into Oasis and now that I'm finding the whole band a bit better (after thinking they sucked MAYORLY at the Southside Festival *lol*) I get the cds.

Life has it's cool turns, I guess.
Then I got a song from a good friend from Vienna. "Ghost in this house" from Alisson Krauss. Haven't listened to it yet, but I think it'll be cool. And the best thing is that we finally wrote a few lines. I miss chatting with her. She's a wonderful person.

AND (what I'm most proud of) :
I got a little cover version of K's choices "all" from my favourite kitchen tool. L. you rock ! I've never been that close to crying in the last few weeks like I was 10 minutes ago, listening totally stunned and enthusiastic to this song. Thank you.

conclusion of the day :

"people are the true gifts that life brings up."

Enough writing crap for this weekend.

See you

murmel

Welcome the week

I should do this. REALLY ! Need to do a lot of work, I just realised.

But, what did I do the whole weekend ?
Hmm..lemme see. Of course I went shopping (cds). Came out with two total different cds than I had planned to buy.

planned cds :
richard ashcroft .:. keys to the world
turin brakes .:. jackinabox

bought cds :
four non blondes .:. bigger, harder, faster, more !
selig .:. auf immer und selig

Well, so far it hasn't been a good plan. I mean, I like those bands, but I gotta stop buying LPs just because they're cheap and I don't have them yet.
New plan :

Do a wishlist and fulfill it (as far as I have money for).

And I started to watch "the L-word" (my neighbor was friendly and lend me his dvd player). It's been very cool so far. My favourite charakter is Dana, cause she's totally desperate in finding a significant other that she becomes so sarcastic. It's wonderful. And my favourite scene so far is where her friends start a mission on finding out if the hot chick she's looking for is gay or not. Muhahaha...very funny. I know that situation.

So, I hope I'll catch you guys this week somewhere online but don't be surprised if I don't show up. School things, you know.

murmel

Lonelyness in style

Today, when driving to work the landscape was just beautiful. And even the song in my ear fit perfectly to the weather. It's "Fishing for a dream" from Turin Brakes. I just discovered them and I think I'll go to the city tomorrow and buy all albums of them I'm able to find. *hehe*

And I've made a big mistake !
My L-Word DVDs arrived *yaay for that* and I left my DVD Player at work, cause the kids wanted to watch a DVD (after I got it there they wanted to watch a video ! *argh*). So, I'll probably be bored the whole weekend having cool DVDs around, but no player. Gnrf !

Anyone in for a L-Word Session ? Anyone willing to send me hers/his DVD player over ?

sand in the clockwork of the world

[Ireland 08/2003 - Urhan, county Kerry]

oo-> pearl jam : all those yesterdays

Don't ask me why I'm that nihilstic these days, but there's just nothing good happening. Today my boss realised that she can't guarantee my working mates job from this september on.
And all that crap because of a new law that should "make all the payment for child care easier".
She's so cool and I learned a bunch of really useful things for my future job. So it's much harder to think that she's going to be jobless and away from september on.

If you ask me, it's easy to judge over people that stay anonym to you - as a politician. The funny thing is that a dad of a former football mate of mine is now one of "them" and I invited him to come and visit our place. Maybe he can change something.

After work - I wasn't even out of the road : A bus and a car crossing the road, unsure how the right of way is arranged.
I got a little bit pissed about people that drive expensive cars, but don't even know the traffic rules.
Right after that thought I almost crashed into a car that had right of way.

Conclusion :
Don't judge others if you can't do better.

Other random facts of the day :

• My boss wrote my certificate for the last half of year today - > I'm curious how bad my work looks on paper. Or not.
  
• I heard "underneath your clothes" yesterday at my sisters house on the radio and thought of one particular person right away. Interesting to see. That song never quite appealed me before.
• I'm waiting to receive the first season of "the l-word" on DVD. Tomorrow maybe.*jumps*
• ALL my wisdom teeth need to be pulled out. My dentist is just one of the few people I know that are able to still smile like an innocent angel even when telling bad news. Date for the preliminary talk and x-raying : 15th of February.
  

T., you aren't alone ! Bless your tonsils ! I hope they won't get pulled out that harsh as I'm expecting my teeth to be pulled out *shakes*

Mel - sorry for being such an ass and not chatting with you. I'm just extremely busy focussing on useless things. Don't ask. Long story. I'll let you know.

Catch ya later

murmel

swimming on ground

oo> ES Posthumus : nara

Another day, same stuff. Just waiting for something that never comes. But what is "something" ?

Again a rush, brought to digital paper. Enjoy.

consoling
breathing
taking lungs over
last call of the sirens to join
humm with me
in the circle without end

rain
on
lifting the eyes to the ground
scared and familiar
the mirror reflects mirrors with a buzzing sound
welcome
no one one gets out of here alive
welcome
it's more self-comforting then bad
take a dive
in the circle with no end

weird thoughts..

...I just have to write them down. So it happened last night, out of some kinda rush. Please don't rate this at all. It's just a plain train of thoughts, sweeping as fast through my head as it disappears again.


I like t-shirts. One coloured. Mostly.
I like them because they're plain.
No confusing neon ads, how much you weight you could lose with this or that diet.
No wrong promises, hidden behind glaring, pussy-like written letters, subliminal saying :
GIVE US YOUR MONEY, YOU LOSER !
That's what it's all about. If you're not someONE, you're nothing. Almost as plain as my shirt colour but with a whole different meaning. I cut the label out of my shirt, cause I don't want to be labelised.
No gritty words, sketches or silly sayings on it. Just me, wearing it. Human. Pure. Biological mass (or mess - however you might call it).
Sometimes I think I'm just entertaining myself to not fall apart and realise how ill I really am.
Or schizophrenic.
I just realised I have 3 close friends who are suffering from depression. I mean, does that have a meaning ? Am I chosen for a kinda mission ? I dunno. These times are more confusing than everything before.

Some sentence is still haunting me :

"I want to have a taste of life before I choose the flavour."
nov. 2005

I just recorded a song called "voices" and suddenly I hear a strange noise in the back of the song. The sound is pretty far and low in the back, you can't almost get it. Just if you listen close. It sounds like an arabian man preaching.....
This is no joke, believe me. I just heard that in that particular song.

I don't want to know if you still like being with my after this entry, but just imagine my smiling, innocent face. *laughs*

God, these times are strange.

murmel

beat me ! give me dirty streetnames !

oo> hard fi * hard to beat (yeah, Ms. Pot you got me !)

Do you know that days where you have no other chance but going nuts ?
It's one of these days where genius and insanity are closer than Macy Grays hair.
HAHA !

Ok, I'm starting to loose my funny mind. That scares me.

So, well what is going on these days ?

Pretty much work to do, although it feels good to be part of the whole crew. So, I'm back again for no real reason. I'm sorry to say, but actually I'm just bored to death. And somehow my Top5 list is about to go down the drain. Well, who cares anyway....

Sorry for the lack of photos, but I didn't get to develope the last colour film.

surrender like this

[somewhere on the way to Germany / Summer 2004]

oo> nothing, just a buzzing headache

I've never been so disconnected from the world outside.

That feels really strange.

I mean, I respond to questions, see no blurry lines when I read something and eat like there's no tomorrow, but I don't feel alive. I just know that the next months will be deciding for what I do in my future life and until that time I live like a butterfly, still trapped in its cocoon.

Only doing necessary stuff, avoiding pain, arguements or other things that could distract me from my goal.

And that's why you won't see me hanging around online pretty often these days. I just realized (except my good friendships I developed over the past years) that the internet is - like many things - totally overrated. I somehow stopped my motion and turned around to see that millions and millions of people spend their days with beating senseless messages in their keyboards, waiting for others to replace the hole in their hearts instead of going out and meet people in reality.

I don't exclude myself from being somehow caught in this cycle. But the more I upvalue all that I become dead on the inside. It has nothing to do with the people that write e-mails to me and care - it's just plain internet overdose.

But still I'm here, cause there's nothing else to do before these months.

And don't come around writing how much you miss me or smth. like that. I just need some time to understand, what exactly IS the air that keeps the wheel of life turning.

Until then *

murmel

snot in kilos and centimeters, that decide

[pedestrian area in Terschelling / Texel, Netherlands 2004]

oo>nick drake : don't think twice, it's alright

Lately I'm having a "typical german cold" (*wink* to some weirdos I spent the weekend with on phone/live - if you want to know what happened see Mels Blog and read her two cents about it, she got it quite good www.livejournal.com/users/thealmightymel) and I'm kinda shocked about that. I never got real sick last year (despite the voice probs, but that was my own credit). That's more freaky than the fact of having two kilos snot in average, cry like a baby and feel like someone hit you with that cartoon hammers on the head.

And

Random fact of today

*drum roll*

I can park like a pro !

I needed to place my car in a tiny parking gap and almost touched the mirror of a REAL good looking beetle that belongs to a very nice cook in our kindergarten.

*shake*

But I got it and now I'm kinda proud of myself. At least something good for today.

Braad, thanks for the wonderful drawing. I'm just to bitter and cold right now that I could appreciate the work you did. Sorry.

For curious ones, click here :

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y86/mumml/braadssilrevedition.jpg


murmel

living for the weekend

[taken after Texel holiday - some motorway station near Cologne // june 2004]

oo> oasis * don't go away [quote of the day : "I need more time to make things right"]

Looking back this week it wasn't that bad actually. I showed more motivation at work (at least I tried to) and hope my boss will recognize my good will. Otherwise I can't do my exam and that would destroy all my good plans for the future (although I always say I'm not planning far ahead).

Do you know that feeling when everything around you collapses and you just have to start over again ? It's one of the most frightening feelings I ever felt. Worse than any bad trip or movie or broken friendship or whatnot.

So, finally : It's weekend from tomorrow 5pm. I don't have any big plans. Maybe do some crazy road-trip to somewhere ... ? We'll see. Oah, I like surprises ! *grins*

And because of the weekend I'll give some hugs to the following persons :

T. - Thanks for letting my analyse your mind, you have a truly beautiful one.
M. - I still think of our guitar weekend and hope you'll be fine again.
crazy frenchie - See you soon ! ;)
Liza - thanks for being my friend ALTHOUGH you know me. *LoL*
Katharina - I always read your journal and I hope we'll find a place to meet finally this year : For a beer and a good talk about popmusic.

A. (if you ever should read this) :

I still love you but I'm fine

AND

"Maybe you gonna keep me from ever being happy, but you're not gonna stop me from having fun." ani di franco * gravel

A nice weekend to all of you !

murmel

mondays...

[@ Texel, Netherlands - Summer 2004]

oo> 30 seconds to mars - from yesterday


....are just underrated. I don't know what people moan about. I mean, if you slept enough and get your coffee before the real work starts, it's more than cool. ^^

It was a really calm day and basically it's just up to me if I change something or leave things like they are. That's good and bad at once, but at least no feeling overweights.

I paint it on the walls, scream it in the dark winter sky until the last ants have heard my message :

IT'S UP TO ME , FOLKS !

As if they couldn't have been better I got home and found that my online order has arrived :

1 Book ( Dan Brown - Illuminati [I dunno what the english title is])
1 CD ( 30 seconds to mars - a beautiful lie [very good so far !])

Sometimes life just tastes like a sweet bowl full of sugar until you get to the part where they put the bitter stuff in....but ain't it the way it always is ?

what people do when they're REALLY bored..

....stuff like that. Not that I didn't know, but assurance is better.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a creative hotbed of artistic talent. You're always making pictures in your mind, especially when you're bored. You are easily inspired to think colorful, interesting thoughts. And although it may be hard to express these thoughts, it won't always be.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

and

Your World View

You are a fairly broadminded romantic and reasonably content. You value kindness and try to live by your ideals. You have strong need for security, which may be either emotional or material. You respect truth and are flexible. You like people, and they can readily make friends with you. You are not very adventurous, but this does not bother you.

What Is Your World View?

explore

[my guitar : Cort MR-A with Fishman pickup and D'Addario Strings]

oo> NIN - closer

Back from the sponatious party I'm into new plans again. Referring on my creative blockade I'll talk turkey and do something against it. Today I'll go to a jamsession with a friend who plays drums. He sounded very enthusiastic about the whole plan and so we ended up meeting at 7pm at his house.

It's like soaking up a sponge with water. Should work out grand. Otherwise I'll doubt my impressibility for music and it's language.

But aren't we all students of the musical language ... ?
I like the way you have to work on it, almost kneel into the sound, splashing the melody on your face like sea water and then see if it stings or soothes. *laughs*

It's just a challenge in general and lately I'm into that.

with my ears to the ground

[in Alzenau, Germany : September 2000]

music oo> slut _ lost emotion

Back in my old working day I still dunno if I quit my education. Had a talk with my boss about it today. She said I gotta decide. But I didn't even told my parents that I'm planning to do so.

So, how to react ?

I go partying tonight. A friend turned 19 and she's having probs as well, so I'm gonna push mine away by listening to her (if only falling for the wrong person would be my ONLY problem *sigh*).

I want to live instead of talking about all the possibilities, that pass me by. Of course it's easy, but I gotta break the cycle. Even just for once.

I just hope that I'll find a solution. Otherwise I'm lost. I know it sounds dramatic, but it actually is. A turning point.

"Listening to life with my ears to the ground - hoping there's a familiar sound...."
(-> the only good line I was able to produce in the last weeks - I suck.)

retrospective

[@southside festival : june 2005 ]

oo > the servant : not scared, terrified

New Years eve is over. It's been very calm, we didn't party THAT big. But that was my intention when inviting T. So, it was cosy, familiar and mostly funny. : )

And here's another addition to things I'm not really into : Have the urge to make this new years eve to "the best of our lives", with gallons of alcohol and whatnot. It's a needless force and mostly it turns out to be a big mess.

I really enjoyed myself yesterday. And that happened not quite often in the past two weeks.

Happy new year, everybody.
And Miss Pot : I'm demanding a revenge at "buzz" . You will not believe your eyes.

I hope. *hihi*

murmel