Pimp my rust bucket !

Ain't that a sexy thing ? ^^
Who wants to take a ride in my rust bucket with that funky cd player in it ? *muhahaha*

You're right L. ! It feels so damn good I could puke! I don't want to do anything else but driving. *starts the old engine*

*wroooooooooooooom!*

fake endorphines...

[my car, a peugeot 106 - year of construction :1994, somewhere out on the fields in my hometown]

oo-> matthew good band . anti-pop

...are some kinda good. For me. Now. No girls insight, no well payed job, so :

I'll go to the city and buy myself something !

Not just something:
I decided to carry my old car radio to the junkyard and give that car the sound that it deserves. But first my dad and me went to an old sports-mate of him that fixes cars in his free time. He's like some of that old, grumpy men. But when you're a careful watcher you can see a little smile, flitting over his face when he thinks of the good old times.
But when thinking of that you have to remember that he has a young wife and two little kids. Strange, how intense some people are aging within the blink of an eye. I can see myself playing with his babies and now they're are almost grown.
He fused some parts and changed the oil and I first saw my car from beneath. Interesting stuff, going on there *laugh*

So tomorrow is a total feel-good-day. I'll go to the hairdresser and afterwards with Sascha and his girlfriend to the city and buy myself that cool car radio.
I thought about that action : Buying something when you're kinda down and out. In the end it's just fake endorphines. But I feel fine. And nothing else matters. *thinks of quoting metallica without any intention* *shake*

Have a nice Tuesday !

murmel

happy on demand

[taken from www.midi-midi.com]

oo-> apocalyptica & marta jandova . wie weit

As you might know we used to celebrate carnival here in Germany these days. I had a perfect escape plan for today but still I'm at home. My dad celebrates his birthday with all relatives today and I don't want to ruin his day by running away. Still, carnival became strange to me. All this time, when being a child it was the biggest fun to act as if you're somebody else. Vampire, Cowboy or just a jerk with a wig and make-up in the face.

Today, it just feels like coming home and finding that everything changed. Or maybe the dissappointment that some people never change. I waved to my parents who were disguised as dwarfs. My aunt was the snow-white and my uncle the prince. Funny to look at but behind were the guys that always bullied me and ruined my childhood. Disguised as football fans (wow, how inventive !) they were screaming stupid Scooter songs.
I've never felt so strange in here like today.

"Wie groß ist die Sehnsucht,
die mich treibt - verlier ich meinen Mut?
Soll ich mich ergeben oder leben?
Das Leben nach der Flut
Will ich´s wagen, ist es gut,
oder bin ich doch verflucht?"

apocalyptica & marta jandova . wie weit

I can't be happy on demand. There's no button that makes me free of all anger, pressure and pain that reigns my life. And I abominate nothing more than people who act like everything's fine, just a little bit out of line. Fixable.

Edit : The evening ended with some funny songs we sang together. My aunt and uncle, my family and my sisters boyfriends. Here's an audioquote of my uncle, who was fascinated by the sound of some rhythm instrument (he was a bit drunk, so nevermind *g*)
http://s17.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=0666CPFUPUVFB0VHQCHDK0FYYS


murmel

lazy days

oo-> billy talent . river below

You may know these days where you're waiting for the minutes to go by, nothing really to do. But somehow it also feels good, because I'm aware of the fact that shitloads of stuff is lying in front of me.

So : Relaxing feels good. ^^

I feel like visiting friends. So I will do next saturday (L., I'm soo happy to see you again :). Anyone here who has monday or tuesday off ?
I have money for the train off. ;)

murmel

Southside Festival Update , 25th of february :

Billy Talent * Death Cab For Cutie * Elbow

Mad Caddies * Within Temptation

^^

Songs and meanings

Shamelessly stolen from piccadilly (forgive me, babe ;-)

A song from your childhood :
john miles . music (we had that sampler on LP at home and I always danced to this through the livingroom, although I wasn't able to get all the lyrics..but strangely I noticed later that it fits to me totally :)

A song you associate with your first love :
Well, lets say this made it easier to get over it
pearl jam . release

A song that reminds you of a holiday :
heyday . cu
dredg . same ol' road
(Ireland 2003)

A song you won't admit you like it in public, cause actually it's embarrassing and "mainstream" :
Well....Roxette . fading like a flower (I mean, it's a classic, what do you want ? ;)

A song you probably heard most often in your life :
k's choice . shadowman

A song that's your favourite instrumental :
James Horner . Braveheart main title
Dredg . brushstroke : a walk in the park

A song that represents one of your favourite bands :
K's choice . for all this

A song that reflects you mostly :
Coldplay . amsterdam

A song that reminds you of a special moment :
Skunk Anansie . weak (I played to a bunch of people live/on the phone with my acoustic guitar and each time it has been different, but always very cool to see the look on their faces or hear what they think of my interpretation)

A song you can relax to the best :
slut . welcome 1

A song that stands for a very good time in your life:
counting crows . mr. jones
and art brut . my little brother

Your current favourite song :
I'm stuck between
Jamie Cullum . all at sea (gosh, what a Piano Intro !)
and
Athlete . street map

A song you would attend to your best friend :
Sarah Bettens – Someone to say hi to (Deuce there, T.!)

A song that you like because of the lyrics :
It always differs from time to time but (Deuce again, T.! ;) I like most of my music because of the awesome lyrics. Oh, maybe it's
Tomte . Die Schönheit der Chance. Currently.

A song, whether german or english that you like :
Helen Sjöholm . sa some i himmelen

A song you can abreact to very good:
Rage against the machine . killing in the name of

A song that should be played on your funeral :
I had a top 5 some time ago and I think it's time for renewal :
1. k's choice . all
2. sarah mclachlan . angel
3. coldplay . don't panic / amsterdam
4. eva cassidy . fields of gold
5. nick drake . things behind the sun

A song you'd count up to the greatest songs of all time :
Kettcar . Nacht

mail from jesus, strange quiet and the hurry inside

[jewish cemetery. Aschaffenburg, Germany - taken from www.alemannia-judaica.de]

oo-> evanescence . breathe no more

Maybe you know places you go and find unexpected peace, quiet and relieving. It could be a park, a bench, a lake or just the garden behind your house.
In my case it was a cemetery. Strange...or not. I don't know. The situation was just perfect. The setting sun between the trees, the wind streaking through the leaves and the hands of time, standing still, relieving quiet. It was like my soul was able to breathe for the first time in weeks.
I was able to face myself clearly, my existence, everything that's happening right now. Strolling through the cemetery, I had Evanescences' breathe no more on my mp3 player. It's a very sad song, I interpret as a suicide note of a desperate mind.
But I wasn't focussed on the lyrics, just the feeling it caused in that very moment. And that was consoling, soothing and mostly beautiful.

Coming home, checking my mails I had to smile a little bit. I got a spam mail from "jesus". Strange again. I thought my wire to the guys above would've been cut.

But maybe nothing is as it may seem these days. And maybe my hurry inside is not necessesary and all answers are already there. Inside me.

actually...

[my former way to the soccer court, behind our house - summer 2005]

...my internet connection is closed til tuesday but I still can access. Funny. ^^
...I'd love to rehearse with silent revolution but no one seems to give a flying fuck about it.
...I wanted to go and see T. again but she hasn't replied. New plan for tonight : Lend DVD and sink into my cuddle couch.

I won't risk it and make the guys from my internet firm angry, so : You prolly won't see me online the next few days. I just wanted to let you know that I'm alive, not kicking, but at least alive. Let's see what's next.

Til tuesday (all the others who have something urgent to tell me : You know how to reach me.)

murmel

PS : Mel have fun at the woodface concert ! :)

Someone heard my prayers

[left : thorsten scholz // right : arnim teutoburg-weiss of beatsteaks, Southside 2005]

oo-> live . t.b.d.

First Update for this years Southside Festival :

Arctic Monkeys * The Cardigans * Element of Crime * Fettes Brot * Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals * Lagwagon * Live * Mando Diao * Maximo Park * Panteon Rococo * Seeed * Shout Out Louds * Tomte * Wir Sind Helden

LIVE ! BEN HARPER ! THE CARDIGANS !

*freaks out*

WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME ?

Infos : www.southside.de

Things, I should stop doing

....
oo-> tegan and sara . my number

• smoke secretly -> it's bad for my health and the car smells like an ashtray afterwards
• write stupid plans to friends -> I know they have better things to do than visiting me
• play basketball AND guitar -> one of these things will ruin my articulars
• think of all the good things in the future -> cause there aren't any
• trying to hide my future plans -> someone will find out I know (cause I can't keep my bloody mouth shut)
• try to write good songs -> forcing myself never brought up a good one
  

Walls and Ladders

[on the street behind my house / august 2005]

oo-> ani difranco . not a pretty girl
Do you know that feeling when everything you try is just going down the drain ?

That's how I feel right now.
It's like running against walls that are enthroning over you for centuries. Millions tried to get over it, but they've been hold back by the fact that they didn't recognised they haven't read the instructions...I'm just blinded. Blinded by all the people who just claim something from me. Let it be stupid reports about religion when others are using religion on me to pressure me, let it be strength and understanding in a friendship when I'm more than confused. Or let it just
be a ventile for all that that I'm demanding for myself but nothing happens. I've always been a well balanced, calm and social person. But it seems like the world is going to be grey when I'm coloured all over with red and colourful when I'm just feeling grey.
I'm a creep. Always looking on that fact with a funny blink of an eye but right now I feel like one.

Maybe we need to be ladders for each other. Ladders of millions of little walls, built up in seconds. Some people never get over them. But some people just don't recognise as well as they don't see the tinyness of these walls. And sometimes, yes sometimes they just need to take a step over the little wall, into the unknown knowing that everything after is better than standing in front of it.

murmel

got balls ?

[taken from www.molten.cz]

My first time at the basketball team sounded awkward. I was unsure what kind of girls are playing basketball. After a real cool training I realised it's different all across the board. There are

:-> dykes that so obvious I gotta smile a little bit
:-> girls who are the typical jocks at school but still nice
:-> look-alikes of beloved friends that scare me cause of the similiarity ;)
:-> nice people that are really helpful and nice but not really talkative

So, it was nice. I mean, I was the typical dork, not aware that basketball is much more than throwing balls around and try not place the ball into the basket. But I learned a lot, also and mostly of Andreas, the nice coach who showed me many cool things.

So I got balls. Interesting.

And now : I need some music. Silent Revolution is rehearsing for the first time after weeks. :o)

Have a nice weekend !

murmel

go ahead - call it a cocoon crash

Sometimes I'm just down and out, like today. I got a bad mark again from my teacher, still knowing I could do much better. And then I get this :



Thank you Mel.

four...

For piccadilly (I rearranged it a little bit for myself) and all the others who are curious ...

4....


...answers I use to give when somebody calls my name :

: "Heh ?"
: "Ja?"
: "Anwesend."
: "That's me."


....Random things of today :

: I sent 4 smses yesterday and yet no one replied.
: My boss wants me to make music instead of this education.
: A child of our caring centre asked me if I have a boyfriend.
: I cried like a baby yesterday. Just because of a movie.


.....people I realised I need to see again (SOON!)

: Liesa
: Tania
: Mike
: Mel

...cool gaps in the market no one recognised :

: opening a dark bread baking factory in the UK
: doing a karaoke party without embarrassing songs, no one is able to sing
: having the rubber on the side of the pencil - to erase areas
: inventing slow brains for stupid speeders

...things I'd like to do now :

: kissing one particular person
: have some cherry juice
: watching the 6th episode of the 3rd season of the "L-Word"
: have a nap

...things, that are REALLY annoying at the moment :

: having some kinda small blister on my tongue
: being tired but not allowed to sleep cause I gotta do some stuff for work
: STILL haven't received any sms
: feeling to old to start to smoke again (not that smoking is healthy, but feeling old is crap)
: feeling guilty although other people hurt you


....TV- Shows I love

- The Simpsons (everlasting love ^^)
- Friends
- Emergency Room
- Buffy
- the L-word

....Sites, I surf onto daily :

- gmx.net
- blogger.com
- kschoice.de
- livejournal.com

....Bloggers, that should continue this :

- mel
- joh
- braad
- mike
- katharina

cry...

[the street I live in, drowning in sunset / jan 06]

..did you remember when you last did ?

Tears, oceans, flowing out of everywhere like the world is about to end right now ?
Release and pain, so close tied together that you see them dancing with each other through your tear blinded veil. Dancing out in a field, over and over littered with gold. You blink and then you see it's just crops, but it has a twinkle that moves you more than you ever thought something will do.

It frees all the anger, pain, heartbreaking, unfullfilled love, unwritten songs and melodies you tried to sent out to the ones who need / deserve it, but something has been blocking it. From right now all hell breaks loose.

It's like swimming, although you can't. Acting childish, although you stopped being one long ago, out of no real reason.
Showing feelings, although you swore yourself not to get vulnerable again, to save yourself from things that hurt too much. Things, that might kill you.

But for it's worth dying for if not for emotions, love, trust, friendship, truth and most of all :

Music.

dyke in the city

[sunrise out of my bedroom /jan 06]

oo - > evanescence .:. hello
(don't try to fix me / I'm not broken [not yet])

So, this was pretty much my weekend. Too bad it's almost over, but things don't last forever (as far as I know).

I went out with some friends to go partying and have some drinks. Actually it was quite nice. I got to drive an old BMW (*wink* to the ppl who don't like such cars) and met a classmate I kinda have a little crush on. Of course I'm such a dork in flirting - as the case may be in going further - so nothing real happened.

I just found myself longing for some kinda relationship. Not necessarily sexual (if possible it's nice but not everything) - just someone who believes in me and someone to come home to when I had a crappy day.

It's like a silent desease. I appears to be in your body and when it reaches your heart, you're in deep trouble to act. Otherwise you'll die.

Anyone in for antidotes ?

tiny stones break the wall

I did something funny when trying out www.songtapper.com .
You can tap there the beat of a song you dunno the title anymore and then it suggests you a song with the lyrics. I tapped a beat I have in my head for years, totally aware of that it appears in many of my favourite songs, just curious to find out what it brings up.

Within some not worth noticing suggestions it brought up :

soundgarden .:. the day I tried to live

I woke the same as any other day
Except a voice was in my head
It said seize the day, pull the trigger
Drop the blade, and watch the rolling heads

The day I tried to live
I stole a thousand beggar’s change
And gave it to the rich

The day I tried to win
I dangled from the power lines
And let the martyrs stretch
Singing

One more time around might do it
One more time around might make it
One more time around might do it
One more time around
The day I tried to live

Words you say never seem
To live up to the ones inside your head
The lives we make never seem
To ever get us anywhere but dead

The day I tried to live
I wallowed in the blood and mud with
All the other pigs

I woke the same as any other day you know
I should have stayed in bed

The day I tried to win
I wallowed in the blood and mud with
All the other pigs

And I learned that I was a liar
Just like you

Harsh, but totally the feeling I have inside right now. Really strange. I mean, I know the band but never heard the song. But it feels more true than anything people said or did to me in the last weeks. And THAT means something.

I'm split inside. Somehow I need a cut from EVERYONE to find myself within all the loudness of the world. On the other hand I can't make it alone and I miss some people really bad.

And one question that keeps roaring in my head :

Should this be everything ?

confused and totally wired
murmel

Just to be sure

Your 2005 Song Is

Mr. Brightside by The Killers "It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss" Let's just say you're happy to be done with 2005!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

You know what is the sadest part : THERE WASN'T EVEN ONE KISS !

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times. Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness! Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

GARDEN STATE ! *jumps*

let me introduce...

(click on the photo to enlarge - T. ! There's even a handsome guy on it for you ;)

The girls I spent the last nites with....muahahaha.
3rd season overseas is already running. And I'm not even finished with watching the first. A little bit oversexed for my taste, but some storylines are pretty funny.

Dana's Mum to Alice after Dana came out :
"Are you involved in that lifestyle, too ?"
Alice : "No, I have a boyfriend."
Dana : "THANK YOU!" *walksoffreallypissed*

Just one of my favourite quotes of it.
Click on http://www.thelwordonline.de for more infos.

laterz
murmel