me and the questionary

[pens in the classroom]

--> depeche mode . personal jesus (acoustic)


We have a kinda love-hate relationship. But on the other side I can't stop to do them. Thanks to picca and soulmate for this.

Grab the book that lies the closest to you and quote page 18, line 4
"Noch lebt", rief er dazwischen, "es hätte erst gar nicht so weit kommen dürfen. Abstürzen hätte er können." ("Vorstadtkrokodile", Max von der Grün)

Stretch out your left arm the farest it gets - what do you find ?
my guitar amp

What was the last show you've seen on TV ?
Football, UEFA Championship, FC Sevilla - FC Schalke 04 (1:0)

Besides your computer - what else do you hear ?
I hear my winamp that plays now "in our gun" by Gomez and the traffic noises outside.

What did you do the last step outside ?
About half an hour ago when I go out of the car to go into the house.

What did you do before you did this questionary ?
I've been to my sisters place and rehearsed with her and my other sis for the wedding of my cousin that will take place july.

What are you wearing ?
Jeans (used and trashed look), a "dredg" t-shirt and black socks.

What did you dream last night ?
I don't remember.

When did you laugh the last time ?
Today in school.

What kinda things are on your walls ?
Bandposters, some notices, kids pictures and a cd rack.

Have you seen something suspicious lately ?
This wasn't disturbing or suspicious, but it amused me :



What do you think about this questionary ?
When will the good questions appear ? ;)

What was the last movie you've seen ?
Dirty Dancing. Yesterday. Because SOMEONE forced me to do so. :p *gg*

What would you buy if you'd be a millionaire ?
Houses for my family members and myself. And I'd donate a lot for projects everywhere in the world.

Tell me something I didn't know about you :
Somethings aren't meant to see the light of day. ^^

If you could change one thing - what would it be ?
Peace.

Do you enjoy dancing ?
Yeah, but I'm not Patrick Swayze if you know what I mean. I enjoy it very much. But most of the time I have friends around who blame themselves with me, so it's not THAT bad.

George Bush
My bush would give a better president ! You stole my sentence picca ! But it's true and although I don't know Jill Sobule that much, her assistant rocks (she wore a t-shirt with that sentence).

Imagine you'd have a little girl - what would be her name ?
Marie.

And if it was a boy ?
Humm..I like Lukas a lot. But every boy is named Lukas or Kevin these days. So I'll probably go for Robert. Don't laugh, I really like that name ! And pronounced in German !

Are you considering to move abroad ?
Yes, I dream about having a little house somewhere in Ireland. Some sweet it'll happen, I hope.

What would you say if you're standing in front of god on the heavens gates ?
Hey, is it true that you REALLY hate lesbians ?

"and don't tell me you don't have a life ... !"

[sitting on the train early in the morning on my way to school]

Some sentences are just too ironic to be taken serious. That one above was a quote from my classmate, partner in crime and "we're the broken-hearted" club member J. considering my plans for the year and the places I'm going to. I mean, of course it's LIKE holiday when you disappear for some days and have a good time, real good adventures in some city - but in the end you come back home and nothing's changed. You're still in love with a girl you can't have, you're parents tell you how to live and you don't have any deadbeat arguments and so that's life. Like it's always been.

But maybe it's the fly on the wall that changes your mind or a wonderful song that encourages you to finally step outta the door and smell the roses...or something else. Some people need a kiss, others need a song, others need to be kicked in the ass. And somehow we're all sifting together through our lifelessness and that's why are some connections are so strong and friendship built out of nothing. Of course it's a difference if you COULD change something or you cannot. I think there's always a chance to do so if you're unsatisfied with the sleepwalking you go through.

And I'd rather have a happy friend who found his/her peace and freedom somewhere far away than a friend far away who suffers like hell and I can't do anything about it.

murmel

suffering on a higher level

--> matchbox 20.bent


Call me crazy or retarded. I couldn't resist : I sent her an sms. It just kills me that I don't know how she is.

I cheated myself. I wanted to be strong. Don't give too much cause I surly wouldn't get anything back.

I'm a mess these days. And looking around I see that others aren't better. Is this the new depression or just suffering on a higher level ? Who could've known that I feel only alive when I suffer like an idiot.

"Can you help me, I'm bent - I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together
keep breaking me in and this is how we will end
with you and me bent"
matchbox 20.bent

Life is a U-Turn - or : Sarah Bettens in Munich, 21st of April

---> Dover . the weak hour of the rooster

So, this is the personal review of the Sarah Bettens concert. And honestly, I can't review it as a blank concert. Many things happened. Good and less good. Mostly less good. At some point I wished I could leave out personal stuff but I'm human so it goes along with it.

I wanted to be brave, self-concious and strong. Show her that I'm fine. But then *dang* the arose inside. A dangerous mix of anger, pain, emptyness. And the crack in my heart popped up again. A wound, so well taken care of by so many people in the meantime.

"But the heart controls the head - that's why I turned around."


Mistake. She seemed so balanced, just fine. Then Sarah played "tired" , I turned around - that is a song we both love. Our eyes cross - for a tiny second - and I know she's not fine. Something in my stomach hurts. Maybe it's the long e-mails, the chat sessions, the phonecalls or just her deep blue eyes that look so lonely. Almost lost. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking and she's just really "tired" from the long journey.

"I gotta stop thinking!", I mumble to myself in mind.

In the few minutes I manage it I find myself really enjoying the concert. The support band - "Ron Flieger" - is a post-punk depressionist in a grey suit.

[ron.flieger]

He looks like he's broke, unhappy and angry. But maybe that's the special note that gives his appearance a certain sympathy. And it makes me move my feet. Especially the song "Lauf" is a good one. He's polite, introduces his band and thanks Sarah and the crew. I pick a sticker for my car. His album is called "anders wohl kaum". Check it out (even if you're from abroad..;) !

I'm still fighting with saying "Hey, do you remember when we talked about GREY in your car?" but instead I grab myself a glass of water and drink it so fast that some people might think the destiny of the world depends on my water consum. I talk to an old friend I met before the concert. Her new boyfriend got her the ticket. He's from the UK, very nice and calm. Talks about his ex-wife with a low voice - she left him after a 29-year marriage - for a woman. I can't help but laugh a bit and she tells me that she ordered all K's choice LPs after I sent her a mix cd with some songs. For the first time on this evening I'm proud of myself and I type her new adress in Munich in my mobile. She truly is one of gods better people. Never thought I'd say that.

I watch the rest of the concert from a distance and Sarah is a true rockstar on stage.

[sarah bettens]

Especially in the quiet moments when she plays "the soldier song" and "grey". At least one person in the room is fine. I'm happy for her. Really. And even if I can't be totally happy tonight - I'll take an "ok" feeling with me after we leave the Elserhalle. Confusion never ends. That's no news. But instead of washing dirty laundry I refer to Katharina who wrote :



"K's choice connects - too much Sarah seperates."

Things I learned this weekend :

--> the best people are just a chat away and drive blue and red cars
--> being "ANTI" feels good
--> U-Turns are necessary - not only on the streets
--> some clichés never change
--> serenity should be a pill
--> men aren't "THE ENEMY"
--> "People are like seasons" (-> Sophia was right!)
--> dialects can be amusing ("WOT?")
--> music is power

and

"..somehow in this twisted world I'm really doing fine.."

ready to hit the streets

[snapshot . 18th april 2006]

--> imogen heap . sweet religion

Soooo : What's up the next days ? It's just the best feeling to know you'll be surrounded by music in all possible ways. Tomorrow we'll perform in the Colos-Saal, which is one of my dream locations since I went out in that liveclub where I saw bands like

- Nickelback
- 3 doors down
- Dredg (what a concert!)

On Friday I'll be seeing the wonderful Sarah Bettens, former singer of the even better K's choice live in Munich.
I hope she plays some K's choice songs and my favourite song from her solo stuff : "grey". It's kinda depressing but true and mostly beautiful. That's why.
A little review with photos and shtuff will be on the ULTIMATIVE MUSIC BLOG on the web. ;)
The Link is http://ofgeniussounds.blogspot.com
A more personal review of these days will be on here, of course.

And I'll have a visitor ! *winks to Katharina*

God, sometimes life can rock !

Bones, sinking like stones
all that we fought for
homes, places we've grown
all of this are done for
We live in a beautiful world
yeah we do, yeah we do

coldplay.don't panic

I know...

--> thomas d. : gebet an den planet

I sometimes write a lot of crap, but feel free to comment. It's also possible for non-registered users.

So : Whether positive or negative ! I welcome every comment. :)

greetings
murmel

Just a side note

--> incubus . make yourself

1. I hate Hackers !
2. I hate my silentrevolution.de Provider !
3. I still need to buy a few gifts for Friday and all the good people that take care of me - but I have no money !
4. I need to get my ass up for a test next week, but I'm not motivated at all.
5. I should go for a walk
6. or drive to some defeaning music in my car.

see you later

murmel

If I hadn't made me, I'd have fallen apart by now
I won't let them make me, It's more than I can allow
So when I make me, I won't be paper mache

sleep for days

where's the balance in the things that get out of control ?
need to make some more sleep for about 100 years or so ?
does the night sky change when people are drooling on their pillows ?
when was the last time you listened to the snow fall ?

I want to sleep for days
forget about the things that have been bothering me lately
come on, sing a lullaby for change
tomorrow I'll wake up with the assurance that you saved me
again

(c) murmel

"worser schtuff is also feasible!"

--> hush . if you go breaking my heart

Pfiew, what a weekend. What a easter ... or not. Hardly got anything of it except the altar servers running around with their flappers and screaming through the streets instead of the church bells.

Instead of runnin to church I got two people visiting me. Let me introduce :






Ze Mel - also known as Genius
from : Libercourt - France (where the real revolution is ! ;) )
Got here by : car ("the blue lightning")
favourite words : ai ! (you were right Liza, all french speaking people cry like that when they get hurt - I tried!) , noway! and mostly "feasible"
brought with her : a delicious cake and a quarter of her dvd collection (which is still huge)

2nd :



ze freggälschään - also known as Mareike
originally from Langerwehe but the rest of the year from Eberswalde (Berlin) - Germany (where the birdflu is ! *laugh*)
Got here by : car (with the blue lightning)
favourite words : "worser", "haha-no"
brought with her : ze well entertained mel

and last but not least :



ze murmel - also known as Kathrin
from ze living room (where the magic happens *muahaha*) , Sommerau - Germany
got here by : myself
favourite words : "schtuff" (a crossing between stuff and shit) and mostly "tch!"
brought with her : food and drinks for the guests




Now imagine two silent people sitting next to me. It almost killed me that they sat there and didn't talk for MINUTES ! I had to entertain them but after a while I kinda freaked out in a funny way and said : "DO SOMETHING!" So we did and watched the movie "Constantine". And as if that wasn't enough Mel entertained us with her demon-slayer activities where even the bravest person would get scared.

On Saturday we got to the big city to look for a camera. AND GUESS WHAT ! I found one !

Small, easy to use and cheap. MEINS !

As you might have noticed all of us developed some word fetishs over this days. I dunno even why but it was funny. And even I was entertained !

And although it was wonderful to have good friends around I'm still tired like hell and somehow happy that I have the room for myself again. No offense there. Just human behaviour. Forgive me honeypie and freggälschään. It was a great pleasure to see you two again and have at least 2 groupies. ;)

And oh : Happy Easter to all of you !

the function of memory

[TeXeL 2004 . feet in the sand]

-> nirvana.about a girl [unplugged] ("This is a song off our first record. Most people dunno it.")

Working myself into coma, finding it hard to sleep. Songs torment my brain, lines always keep on returning and I try to find a sense between the lines. And most creepy thing is that memories of a friend (songs, moods..) were following me the whole weekend and yesterday I read that she's having a hard time. And the worst thing is : I can't reach her. Not by phone and not online. But at least my intuition is a good thing.
Maybe some of you know the "Chart" that Alice sets up in the show "the L-Word" ? In her case it's about relationships and their connection in the lesbian/bi scene.
I could draw you a chart-like spiderweb that stretches over the walls of my living room with just 5 people and all sorts of memories of them. It's hard to find nothing that reminds me of no one. Most of the time it's funny to recognize how drawn I'm to some friends but now it's nerve-racking. Especially when you know you can't actually help the friend in a hard situation. But hey, I don't wanna seem like I have superpower I'm afraid of. The ability of having a huge memory always helped me.

Maybe the upcoming days will help me to get clear again. I hope.

what means "walk the line" ???

That's what mom asked me today when I told her from the movie I saw yesterday. I translated it, but I'm not quite sure what the true meaning of these words IS actually to me.

Looking back on this movie I think it's about finding the line you want to walk onto. Johnny Cash had a hard time finding it and somehow his future wife June Carter saved his life by loving him and understanding him. I like the romantic idea of life-saving love, but at the moment I'm pretty nihilistic to all of these things. Btw, the movie was a good one - you just have to gasp at Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon singing with their own voices and doing such a good job. But I'd like to give the oscar to Joaquin, cause he just made me believe it's a real-life documentary and not a melodram.

Had an argue about religion the other day again. With mom. She just doesn't get the fact that I don't have a good relation to the issues "God" and "Church" at the moment. I mean, would you go as a cat into a cage full of dogs, hoping they won't kill you cause they're so distracted by the food ? ? ?
My position as a homosexual is not well seen in the church. Obviously I'm a pervert, sinner and whatnot. I don't give a fuck. But I hate to wear my pretty suburbian school girl mask and act like a nun in front of all these people and walk into a house that's been declared as a forbidden zone for me from some old grumpy men in Rome.

I deeply respect everyone who truly celebrates his/hers beliefs to find a deeper sense in life. That's what we all somehow do - and me, too.

But some people just don't get the point. And this issue is always returning, like a boomerang or smth. I'm just tired of it. And that's what "walk the line" means to me : Be true to yourself, overcoming all stones, thrown into your way and live life, love and give love to others. No matter in what you believe in.

murmel

the bigger sister saved my eve

That's the movie I'm going to see tonight. Lucky, cause my sis visited us because my cousins wedding. I love coincidences. So, we go and see "walk the line" (finally, cause I wanted to see that since 3 months) - Stef, her bf and me. Review and thoughts later that evening. For all people who are online - I'm in a chat mood - so put on your messengers by 11:30pm, if you want.

murmel

push some things aside

[visual fossile , found on my hard drive - entitled "fingers on the mirror"]

Maybe you know that : You push things aside and hide them under the rug to not to take them or solve the problem.
I'm actually glad that my boss and I didn't talk about my activity I did on thursday, cause otherwise I would've thought about it the whole weekend.
So : WEEKEEEND !

And maybe I have to learn to not take too much things seriously and let them come close to me. That saves many nerves and gives strength for harder times.

So, yeah the gig with "silent revolution" is over and we played with "Crayfish" (as mentioned above). They were really nice and stuff, but it all seemed so ready for the business it almost made me smile a little bit. Their manager told me for who he worked for and where "the guys" (as he called them) will play and first I thought "Wow. 12.000 people. Teen Magazine." but then I had a relieving thought and leaned back in my mind. And I thought : "Great. But not my world."

I don't care whether there are 5 or 500 people in a club where we play. As long as some of them understand what me and Sascha want to transport and say with our music I'm happy.
And out of 50 there will be at least 3 people that stick with us at our gigs and so the cycle rolls. Slowly, but it rolls. And since yesterday I'm so happy I have the controls over it that I could jump in the air and clap my hands like an idiot. *grins*

Couldn't help it - a song popped up in my head and never left my side on that whole evening :

" Beware, beware
They're on their way
They're getting closer every day
But I'm prepared
I'm sure some common sense will
Blow them all away
They like your band
They shake your hand
They smell like food that has gone bad
Today it's you
Today will pass
I'm so sick of all this trash..."

K's choice . my record company

How fitting, don't you think ?

A nice weekend to all of you !

And picca : Thanks for the lyrics. I actually start to like Oasis. But "BLOASIS" still rules. ;)
Funny that now in this very moment "jovanotti" performs on HR "mi fido di te". I do, btw. ^^

murmel

could be worse

You know that days when you just zoom out the bad things and let the good times roll ? Sometimes it's necessary to do so - many people would've gone nuts instead and many people would've get killed brutally otherwise. ;)

So again : A slow day at work, working mates seem kinda stressed and I still feel spyed for some strange reason (I guess it's just a psychological trick to push me to my limits...which limits ? HAHAHA !) but I let the good times roll. Sascha was late for the band rehearsal but I didn't even mind. Earlier this year I would've gone almost insane and angry about it. But hey : That's the way he is and I had the opportunity to finish my dinner, so it fitted superb. We listened to the recordings we did a week ago and rehearsed for Thursday, where we're about to perform with the band Crayfish (if you want to take a look : www.cray-fish.de).
It's gonna be all acoustic (like usual) and I think it's going to be cool. I mailed with one of the "crayfish" guys and they're very nice and interested. So : Thumbs up for them ! Even if we haven't heard them.
Got to talk to some people about some new band projects, but I don't want to tell anything before we haven't met, so : Stay tuned on my super star shiny and crazy blog.

And don't forget : Let the good times roll !

*swoooshes off*

PS : For all people who join me for the Southside Festival - OUR TICKETS ARRIVED ! ^^

new and shiny

How do you think it looks like ?

Mel was so genuine and helped me out with the whole html thingie. Thanks again for our long "talk" , btw. ;)

My day pretty much consisted of sleeping, eating, sleeping and phoning. That's pretty sad you might think, but I'm just glad this day's over and there's much time passing til I have my favourite moments and events.

Still to come ... :

15th - 17th of April : Visit of the wonderful and geeky, beloved groom (*g*) also known as Mel, a.k.a. the almighty oracle (or did you want to come on Friday ?)
-> maybe we have another crazy bavarian coming also, but she's still meditating about it. RIGHT ? *threatens you with a pencil* ^^

2oth of April : silent revolution performing at the "COLOS-SAAL" in Aschaffenburg (which is my favourite club, btw) with all close friends and Katharina - how could I forget you ! *puppy eyes*

21st of April : Katharina and me getting picked up by "baba" and her friend to pick up Mike in Nuremberg to drive to Munich to SEE the wonderful

SARAH BETTENS - LIVE ! :D

I'm soo looking forward to that !

And I'll burn that cd for a friend and then : GO TO BED ! HAHA, how hard to guess !

Have a nice night and don't hug your pillow to tight ! ;)

murmel

What if there is ... ?

click to enlarge

["proving the existence of god" - found when I googled for the word "god" on www.google.de]

--> arctic monkeys . I bet you look good on the dancefloor (in my head)

Came home from a nice evening with piccadilly and N., a friend from Cologne who visited her and of course me. We went out to watch the movie "stay" with Ewan McGregor, Ryan Gosling and Naomi Watts *drool*. ;)
It was quite confusing - especially for the end - but I like movies that leave you behind with many questions and hidden answers. This movie was like a good song : Actually the lyrics are quite easy to understand but in the end everyone has his own interpretation about it. Anyway : It was quite good, so - go and see it ! And if you're not convinced yet : NAOMI WATTS ! ! ! What else do you need ? *grins*

Afterwards we got in our favourite club to dance total insane to our favourite music. It was a nice evening and a very good relax for the last weeks that just have been strange - in many ways.

Now I'm at home and I read in the K's choice Forum a debate about religion and the "evil church" that pulls the taxes of the Atheists pockets. *.*
It just seems estranged to me that mostly people who just know shit of religion or the feeling of it are the most angry and aggressive ones about it. And that's why I think about the whole issue now a bit.
I mean, some people might think I don't believe in god. But I do. I mean, I was raised catholic and I still attend to some stuff that's going on (for example I'm happy to see my only male cousin in the whole kin, on the mothers side getting married) and I like the songs that they sing, but I don't feel the urge to go to church EVERY sunday.
And for me, belief is something really basic and true and beautiful. And it's important to believe in SOMETHING. If it's just a good song, a wonderful friendship, love, hope, peace and whatnot or one of the gods - it doesn't matter ! At least you believe in something.
When I see those people grumbling about religion and the "exploitation" I just gotta laugh. Cause these people seem to have a problem with themselves.
If you can't accept others opinions and beliefs - how can you get along with yourself without questioning everything that you do ?
What if there IS something, someone above that watches us all ? What if there are no coincidences ?
If you've never asked yourself that question you probably missed some of the most important things in life. No matter if you decided that your personal opinion is "no". At least you should know.

murmel