surrender like this

[somewhere on the way to Germany / Summer 2004]

oo> nothing, just a buzzing headache

I've never been so disconnected from the world outside.

That feels really strange.

I mean, I respond to questions, see no blurry lines when I read something and eat like there's no tomorrow, but I don't feel alive. I just know that the next months will be deciding for what I do in my future life and until that time I live like a butterfly, still trapped in its cocoon.

Only doing necessary stuff, avoiding pain, arguements or other things that could distract me from my goal.

And that's why you won't see me hanging around online pretty often these days. I just realized (except my good friendships I developed over the past years) that the internet is - like many things - totally overrated. I somehow stopped my motion and turned around to see that millions and millions of people spend their days with beating senseless messages in their keyboards, waiting for others to replace the hole in their hearts instead of going out and meet people in reality.

I don't exclude myself from being somehow caught in this cycle. But the more I upvalue all that I become dead on the inside. It has nothing to do with the people that write e-mails to me and care - it's just plain internet overdose.

But still I'm here, cause there's nothing else to do before these months.

And don't come around writing how much you miss me or smth. like that. I just need some time to understand, what exactly IS the air that keeps the wheel of life turning.

Until then *

murmel